I've been
queer, now and again, lately... off and on. Do you know how it comes?
When the inside of the world goes further and further within dragging
you after it, until at last you are in the bowels of darkness choking.
I've known such moods all my life. Haven't you known them? Lately, of
course, I've been drinking again. I tell you, but I wouldn't own it to
most people. But they all know, I suppose.... Alexei made me start
again, but it's foolish to put everything on to him. If I weren't a weak
man he wouldn't be able to do anything with me, would he? Do you believe
in God, and don't you think that He intended the weak to have some
compensation somewhere, because it isn't their fault that they're weak,
is it! They can struggle and struggle, but it's like being in a net.
Well, one must just make a hole in the net large enough to get out of,
that's all. And now, ever since two days ago, when I resolved to make
that hole, I've been quite calm. I'm as calm as anything now writing to
you. Two days ago Vera told me that he was going back to England.... Oh,
she was so good to me that day, Ivan Andreievitch.
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