I was thinking of Vera just the
same. I looked at her all the evening just as Semyonov had looked at me.
And didn't say anything.... I never wanted her so badly before. I made
her sleep with me all that night. She hadn't done that for a long time,
and I woke up early in the morning to hear her crying softly to herself.
She never used to cry. She was so proud. I put my arms round her, and
she stopped crying and lay quite still. It wasn't fair what I did, but I
felt as though Alexei Petrovitch had challenged me to do it. He always
hated Vera I knew. I got up very early and went to my wood. You can
imagine I wasn't very happy....
"Then suddenly I thought I'd go out into the streets, and see what was
happening. I couldn't believe really that there had been any change. So
I went out.
"Do you know of recent years I've walked out very seldom? What was it? A
kind of shyness. I knew when I was in my own house, and I knew whom I
was with. Then I was never a man who cared greatly about exercise, and
there was no one outside whom I wanted very much to see. So when I went
out that morning it was as though I didn't know Petrograd at all, and
had only just arrived there.
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